Disclaimer: All characters (with the exception of Kalie Coe) are property of Brian Clevenger, author of the super hot webcomic 8-Bit Theater.
Author Note: This story may seem a bit disjointed. It was written during a writing game we play. Each author got 5 minutes to write whatever they could. With three people writing it got wrapped up in just over 2 rounds.
Coneria is a kingdom who's pixelization is always bright. It is home to a motley band, Light Warriors.
"Ha! Ha! Ha!" a red-headed, muscle-bound buffoon chanted as he practiced his sword strokes in a field surrounded by the other Light Warriors. Red Mage, a game obsessed buffoon, Thief, a money obsessed buffoon, Black Mage, an evil obsessed buffoon, the grave marker of Black Belt, a fighting obsessed buffoon, and my target, the beautiful, intelligent, stunningly competant White Mage.
You can see why she was my only problem, right?
Surprising to me, Fighter was the first to notice my approach.
He dropped his sword, his eyes grew large and he crawled to me on all fours.
"Princess Sara you
Are a beautiful flower
That shines in the sun."
"Move out of the way Fighter," I said and was making my way over to White Mage.
"Hey, baby! What's a cute thang like you doing in a place like this?" a dark and sinister-I think it was a man-thing spoke from under a massive hat.
"It does not concern you, Mage. Now, remove yourself from my presence."
I just wanted to get away. I mean, eew!
"No can do. What BM wants, BM gets. How about you and me do the horizontal tango?"
WHACK!
"Heh, I think she likes me." BM rubbed his head and jumped into my path again. "So, you like it rough. I can dig it."
WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!
I fell back, for it wasn't I that clobbered the coagulated cassanova, but someone else, who was obscured by a dust cloud.
"Knock him completely out. That's the only way to stop the blessed little lech," came advice as on a cloud.
"Thank you," I said as the dust cleared.
White Mage.
"Forgive me," she said to the sky, then looked back to the pummeled little man. She sighed. "Well, I guess I'd better heal him. Cure!"
Surely, this wasn't my target. A pure being would never beat someone so bad they would need a cure spell. It's a trick. I've got to finish her.
"Lightning come forth! LIT 3!" It struck down or at least it would have if I didn't use up all my MP when I was evading BM's advances.
"Baby, you light up my life. How's about we menawjay-you-girls-on-me?"
WHACK! SMASH!
"Pervert! You can just writhe there in pain as punishment. And maybe, just maybe, I'll cure you later," WM huffed and stomped off.
"Yes, my Queen," BM groaned.
This time I was sure. Someone in the balancing department had really fucked up! What the hell were they thinking? That woman was obviously a follower of the dark order. About the only one of the group that had any innocence about them was the retarded fighter boy.
"Hmm! He is innocent. I guess he's pure. Yes, I think he'll do nicely."
The fighter boy was still trying to do another horrible haiku.
"My love... 1, 2... is true... 3, 4... swords!... 5!"
Fighter scrunced his head in concentration.
I took a moment to ready my sword to strike.
"Don't worry, boy. Your death will balance the world!" I spoke as I struck.
"Princess, check out my Sword-Chucks!"
The sword-chucks struck Calie Coe with precision and impaled themselves deep within her bosom.
"Heh! To think I would be killed by an... *cough of blood* idiot."
"Princess! Nooo!"
The End